


horses running until they forget they are horses

by steelplatedhearts



Series: we are all just trying to be holy [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 12:53:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2151444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelplatedhearts/pseuds/steelplatedhearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Helena’s face lights up, and she gingerly puts her arms around Sarah. After a moment of tense silence, Sarah relaxes ever-so-slightly and hugs her back.<br/>“Thank you,” Helena whispers. “Thank you, sestra. You will be safe here. Nobody will hurt you.”<br/>“Sure,” Sarah says, gingerly patting Helena’s back. “Sure.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	horses running until they forget they are horses

On a Sunday morning, Steve decides they need to go to Ikea to look at beds, as the spare one he has was never meant for two people.

“Ikeas are pretty great, Buck,” Steve says, walking backwards in front of them. “It’s like a whole maze of minimalist furniture.”

“I lived in an Ikea once,” Helena says absently. “Slept in there for three days. Was very comfortable.”

“You did _not_ ,” Steve says, stepping sideways to dodge a passerby.

“Did so,” Helena insists. “Lots of places to hide in Ikea until it closes. They have plenty of food. It worked out great.”

She raises their intwined hands and kisses the back of Bucky’s metal hand. It’s an absentminded gesture, one she makes without thinking almost constantly. It’s always his metal hand, every time, and Bucky can’t think of anything more comforting. Since coming back to himself, his arm is a reminder of the things he’s done, the atrocities he’s committed while the Asset. It’s a constant source of stress, a mark of his background, not a part of himself.

Not something to love.

But Helena loves it, loves it like she loves everything else. She sees it as part of him, and therefore worthy of affection. It’s hard to understand, some days, but it never fails to make him smile.

He smiles now and squeezes her hand, no longer afraid of the metal gripping too tight as he had once been. He lets their hands drop down again and keeps walking, following Steve through the crowd. Suddenly, Helena’s hand slips out of his. Bucky pauses and grabs Steve’s arm, looking back just in time to see Helena run directly into traffic.

He doesn’t even stop to think before darting after her, ignoring Steve’s shout. He weaves in between the cars, paying no attention to the angry honks of the passing drivers. He spots Helena on the sidewalk, arms thrown around a dark haired woman who looks remarkably like her.

“James,” she says, face lighting up when she sees him. “This is my _sestra!_ ”

His hand automatically goes to his arm. “The purple one?”

“ _Da._ Her name is Sarah _._ ”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sarah says, pushing Helena away.

Helena pushes Bucky’s sleeve up, revealing the colorful stick figures. “This is James, and this is me,” she says, pointing out the red and yellow ones. “You’re the purple, and Kira is the pink.”

“What, I don’t get one?” a dark haired man with an eight year old girl on his hip says.

Helena gives him a suspicious look. “I don’t know you.”

“Hello, Auntie Helena,” the little girl says quietly. Helena’s face breaks into a wide smile.

“Hello, darling,” she says, brushing her hair out of her face. “You’re looking well.”

“Get away from her,” Sarah snarls, grabbing Helena’s arm and throwing her towards Bucky.

Bucky growls, metal hand around her neck in a flash. “Don’t talk to her like that.”

“Leave her alone,” Helena shrieks, smacking her palm against his chest. “Don’t hurt her, you monster!”

Bucky shrinks back, stunned, asSteve jogs over to them. “What’s going on?”

“Holy shit, you’re Captain America,” the dark haired man says.

“This is my _sestra_ ,” Helena says again as she points at Sarah, who bats her hand away.

“How are you even _alive?”_ she asks, taking the little girl and shielding her with her body. “I shot you.”

Helena shrinks back a little, avoiding her gaze. “I guess you missed.”

“Okay, Helena, Bucky, go stand over there,” Steve says, shooing them over to the corner. “Let me talk to them for a minute.”

Helena chews on her thumbnail, staring as Steve draws Sarah and her companions to the nearby storefront. “She’s mad at me,” she says quietly.

Bucky takes a deep breath. Sam talks a lot about something called ‘self-advocacy,’ but he didn’t think he’d have to use on Helena.

“I’m not a monster,” he says slowly. “I shouldn’t have tried to attack your sister, even if she was cruel to you. But it wasn’t right for you to call me a monster.”

Helena stares steadily at Sarah and doesn’t answer.

“I’m a good person,” he continues. “I’ve done bad things, but I was brainwashed. I’m not a monster, and I never was.”

He doesn’t quite believe what he’s saying, but that’s another thing Sam says—fake it till you make it.

“I won’t say it again,” Helena mutters.

She does not say she’s sorry.

“Okay,” Steve says, approaching them. “We’re going to head back to the apartment and figure it out from there. There’s a lot more going on here than I can handle on a street corner.”

They walk over to Sarah, her friend, and the little girl, and together they set off down the sidewalk. Helena gravitates towards Sarah, getting as close to her side as possible. Sarah glares at her suspiciously and moves, putting Steve in between them. Helena continues to follow, and Sarah keeps moving away.

Bucky reaches out and catches Helena’s arm after a minute of this. “Give her some space.”

Helena stares blankly at him, but stays back. She walks alongside him like she did before, but her attention is solely on Sarah.

It has no right to sting, but it does.

*   *   *   *   *  

“This is Kira,” Helena says proudly, holding up the tiny kitten. “That one is Sarah, and the last one is Stitch.”

Sarah’s dark haired friend snorts. “Again—I don’t get one?”

“Again, I don’t know you,” Helena says, sticking her nose up in the air. “Tell me your name, and when we get another cat, I’ll consider it.”

“It’s Felix,” he says.

“No,” Steve says. “No more cats. The landlord is concerned enough as it is.”

“You’re a national hero,” Felix says with a smirk. “I’m sure you could have as many animals as you wanted.”

Steve grimaces, rubbing the back of his neck. “I try not to trade on that too often.”

“Heroic _and_ modest,” Felix says, raising an eyebrow. “Wonderful combination.”

Sarah purses her lips and flicks Felix on the ear. “Knock it off.”

“You’re the one who dragged me out here,” Felix mutters.  

“Let me give you a tour!” Helena says, grabbing Sarah’s hand. “This is the living room, and in here is the kitchen!” She drags Sarah away, making it into the hallway before Sarah yanks her hand out of Helena’s.

“I think we’ve got some things to settle,” she says, clearly struggling to remain gentle. “We can do the tour later.”

Helena pauses, unsure, and glances to Bucky. He doesn’t know how he should be responding, so he just nods.

“Okay,” Helena says. “Let’s talk.”

*   *   *   *   *  

“Clones,” Steve says flatly.

Felix nods. “Clones. I know, it’s weird. Basically, we’ve got a giant corporation after us because Sarah and Kira are patented.”

Steve looks faintly outraged. “They patented human beings?”

“And they tried to kidnap Kira,” Sarah says, clutching her daughter closer. “Not to mention there’s a lunatic anti-science cult who sent _her_ to kill us all.”

“They told me I was special,” Helena whispers. “The original.”

“Well, you’re not,” Sarah snaps. “You’re a clone just like the rest of us.” She pauses. “Well, maybe not _exactly_ like the rest of us, considering I shot you in the heart and you didn’t die.”

“We are a mirror,” Helena says. “Your heart is just there, on the left, but mine is on the right.”

“I’ll remember that for next time,” Sarah spits, and Helena shrinks back, as if Sarah had hit her.

“Why did you shoot her?” Bucky asks, anger building.

“Well, for starters, she was _killing us off_ ,” Sarah says. “She damn near killed _me_ a couple of times, before she found out we were sisters.”

“But you saved me,” Helena says. “You helped—”

“Yeah, I helped,” Sarah says, glaring. “I helped, and you killed my mother.”

Helena doesn’t flinch back at that, but straightens her spine and sticks out her chin. “She was not our mother,” she says. “She gave birth. That does not make her mother.”

“Maybe not to you,” Sarah fires back, “but she could have been, if you’d given her a chance!”

“She separated us—”

“She did what she had to!”

“She took you away from me!” Helena says.

“Maybe that was a good idea!” Sarah snarls. “All I ever wanted was to meet my mother, and you killed her because of something that happened before we were born? My god, Helena, and you wonder why I don’t want to be your sister.”

The silence that falls is harsh and stretched, and Helena goes very still. She rises slowly and heads to the kitchen, almost tripping over Stitch on the way.

Bucky slips away and follows Helena, finding her hunched over the sink. “Are you all right?”

“Fine,” she says, not looking around. “She will come around. We are sisters. She will be okay later.”

It seems like the kind of thing that requires a response, but none of the things Bucky can think to say are things Helena will want to hear. Before he can settle on anything, he hears a flurry of motion out in the hallway, and Helena darts out.

“Thank you for the coffee, Captain,” Sarah says, shaking Steve’s hand.

“Not a problem,” Steve says.

“You can’t leave,” Helena says, lunging for the door. “You can’t!”

“What I can’t do is stay in an apartment with you,” Sarah says. “Not when I’ve got Kira.”

“People are looking for you, you said so yourself,” Helena says, taking Sarah’s hand. “Where is a safer place than with Captain America?”

Sarah glances at Felix, biting her lip. “She’s got a point,” Felix says.

“Fine,” Sarah says with a sigh. “Fine. We’ll stay here for a while, at least until we fiugre out what to do.”

Helena’s face lights up, and she gingerly puts her arms around Sarah. After a moment of tense silence, Sarah relaxes ever-so-slightly and hugs her back.

“Thank you,” Helena whispers. “Thank you, _sestra_. You will be safe here. Nobody will hurt you.”

“Sure,” Sarah says, gingerly patting Helena’s back. “Sure.”

*   *   *   *   *  

They order Indian food from a place down the street that Sam told them about, and when it comes, they eat in total silence. After a while, Felix’s phone rings, and he glances at it quickly. “It’s Allison,” he says, rising. “I’ve gotta take this.”

He steps into the hallway, leaving the rest of them sitting around the table. “So,” Sarah says, waving her fork at Bucky and Helena. “How did that happen?”

Bucky looks at Steve, but Steve just looks back at him expectantly. Helena is focused intently on her food, sneaking glances at Sarah, and doesn’t look like she’s going to answer either.

“I was…” He trails off right away, mystefied as to how to explain HYDRA and his state to these strangers. “I was on my own, for a while. We ended up in the same abandoned loft. When I reconnected with Steve, we just stayed together.”

It’s such a hilariously inadequate description of what Helena is to him, of everything they’ve been through, but a better explanation would take more detail than he’s willing to give.

“Did she tell you about the clone thing?” Sarah asks.

“No,” Steve says, the same moment as Bucky says “Yes.”

“Did she tell you about all the stuff she’s done?” Sarah says, as Helena shrinks farther into herself.

“Yes,” Bucky says. “And I’ve done worse.”

“I didn’t know,” Steve says.

“It wasn’t my story to tell,” Bucky says. “She hasn’t hurt anyone now, has she?”

“She threw Stark into a wall,” Steve says dryly. “Not that I minded.”

“So there you go,” Bucky says. “No problems there.”

He reaches over and squeezes Helena’s hand. _It’s okay_ , he tries to say without words. _You’re all right._

He doesn’t know if it gets through.

*   *   *   *   *  

Helena insists that Sarah, Felix, and Kira get to use the spare bedroom, so Bucky takes the couch and Helena curls up in the recliner. Bucky stares up at the ceiling, eyes unseeing in the dark, and eventually rolls over. “Tell me about Sarah.”

Helena grabs a strand of her hair and chews on it, quietly contemplative. “I dreamed about her, once,” she says softly. “I dreamed we were friends.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything, waiting for her to continue.

“She is starlight,” Helena says. “She is one of a kind. We are connected. She knows.” She pauses, furrowing her brow for a moment. “She is beautiful. If I was you, she would be my Steve.”

She falls silent again, and Bucky listens as her breath evens out and slows down. He wonders if he’d been this desperate when they first arrived at Steve’s apartment.

He hopes not. He would have been leaving himself open to so much hurt.

“James,” Helena says sleepily. “Forgive me.”

“Hmm?”

“I called you a monster,” she says. “It was horrible and cruel.”

“It wasn’t nice of you,” Bucky says, “but you’ve apologized. You already promised not to do it again.”

Helena takes a shuddery breath and, in the darkness, begins to cry. “You are so good to me, _dushka_. I don’t deserve you.”

Bucky gets up and moves to kneel by the recliner, stroking Helena’s hair. “Sam says everyone deserves love, no matter what.”

“Even—even if they’ve done terrible things?” Helena says.

“I’ve done terrible things,” Bucky says. “And I deserve kindness, just the same as you.”

Helena sniffles, leaning into his hand. “I used to do this for you.”

“You will again, probably,” Bucky says. It’s a process.”

“Excuse me,” a small voice from the hallway says. “Can I have a glass of water?”

Bucky looks around and sees Kira clinging to the wall. “Sure,” he says, standing up. Helena follows, taking Kira’s hand as they head to the kitchen. Bucky finds a glass quickly, fills it, and hands it to the little girl.

“Are you my uncle?” Kira says, staring at him over the edge of her cup.

“What makes you think that?” Helena asks.

Kira shrugs. “Mom has Felix, and that makes him Uncle Fee. I thought you might be Aunt Helena’s Felix.”

Helena giggles while Bucky tries to come up with an answer. “I don’t think I’m really anyone’s anything,” he says finally. “I’m just Bucky.”

Kira thinks about that for a moment, nodding. “Your arm is pretty.”

Bucky automatically tenses and forces himself to relax. “So I’ve been told.”

Kira cocks her head and takes another sip of water. “Don’t you think it’s pretty?”

Bucky stares down at his hand, watches it gleam in the moonlight. “Sometimes it’s hard to see prettiness in yourself, at least for grownups.”

Kira nods seriously. “I know a lot of grownups with that problem.”

“Kira?” Sarah calls from the bedroom. “ _Kira!”_ She materializes in the kitchen doorway, looking panicked.

“She was just getting a drink,” Helena says, taking her hand and leading her to her mother. “She’s fine.”

Sarah quickly bends and scoops Kira into her arms. “I could have gotten you some water, little monkey.”

“I didn’t want to wake you up,” Kira says with a yawn.

“Don’t worry about me, kiddo,” Sarah says, raising an eyebrow. She kisses her daughter on the forehead and turns to go back into the hallway.

“You have a good girl,” Helena says sadly. “Don’t let the scientists get her.”

Sarah’s gaze softens. “I won’t, Helena. I promise.”

*   *   *   *   *  

In the morning, Sarah is gone.

Their things are gone, Felix and Kira are gone—it is as if they were never there. Bucky catches Steve giving Helena wary sideways glances, like he expects her to explode at any moment. She’s calm, though, gliding around the apartment like everything is fine.

“Want to make the Ikea trip again today?” Steve asks as he’s washing off the dishes.

Bucky nods. “Just let me find my shoes.”

He grabs his boots, lifts Kira gently out of one and puts her on a pillow, and then pulls them on, doing up the laces. Helena sits quietly on the couch, observing but making no move to get ready.

“Come on, Helena,” Steve says. “We’re heading out.”

“I’m going to stay here,” she says serenely, scratching Stitch behind the ears.

Steve raises an eyebrow. “You sure? That just leaves me and Bucky picking out furniture. It’s not gonna be pretty, I promise.”

“What if Sarah comes back?” Helena says. “Someone has to let them in.”

Bucky glances over at Steve, who grimaces slightly. “Helena,” Steve says gently, “she might not come back.”

Helena’s face slams into neutrality. “Yes she will.”

“Well,” he says, “you should at least—”

“She will come back,” Helena snarls.

Steve backs off, moving aside so Bucky can take his place. “ _Solnyshko_ ,” he says, taking her hand. “Should we postpone this?”

Helena smiles slightly, and rests the palm of her hand against his cheek. “No, you go,” she says. “The kittens need space to sleep in just as much as we do.”

*   *   *   *   *  

When they get home, Helena has not moved.

“I guess they’re still out,” Steve says awkwardly.

Helena’s face may as well be carved out of stone.

*   *   *   *   *  

The fancy new bed from Ikea isn’t as comfortable as their old one, but Bucky thinks that may be because Helena isn’t curled up with him. He closes his eyes for twenty minutes, and when sleep doesn’t come for him, he goes out to the living room.

Helena is right on the couch where he left her, staring at the doorway, deep purple shadows under her eyes. Bucky sits down next to her quietly, and doesn’t say anything.

“She’s not coming back, is she?” she asks after a moment, staring straight ahead.

“No,” Bucky says. “I don’t think so.”

Helena makes an odd hissing noise and then starts mumbling under her breath. “ _Ya pereproshuyu, ya ne khotiv, povernuty yiyi, ya budu krashche ya budu krashche ya budu krashche—”_

“Helena?” Bucky asks, concerned. He moves to take her hand, but draws back when he sees the knife in her hand.

It’s her favorite—the one with the fish in the handle. She’s never really used it in his sight before, just flipped it around over and over again, but now she’s drawing the blade back and forth across the palms of her hands, ignoring the blood dripping onto the floor.

“I am the monster,” she says. “May God forgive me.”

For a moment, Bucky panics. He needs to get Sharon, maybe Steve, someone qualified to help. But Steve is asleep and Sharon is out of town, and even if they were both right there, Bucky is the most qualified person around.

He gently works the knife out of Helena’s hands and leads her to the kitchen sink. After washing her hands with soap and warm water, he pats them dry and lifts her up onto the counter. She sits there, eyes dull, as he carefully applies bandaid after bandaid to her palms. He does his best to be gentle, but he has a sinking feeling that even if he wasn’t, Helena wouldn’t notice.

Bucky takes her hands and kisses the backs, like she does for him, and then puts them in her lap. He lets his own hands drop to her hips and moves in closer to the counter.

“I know it doesn’t mean as much,” he says, looking away, “but _I_ want you around.”

What seems like an eternity passes before Helena gently tilts his chin up to face her. Her mouth turns up slightly at the corners, and she kisses him softly on the cheek.

“It means everything,” she murmurs. “Sarah is family. But you…you are _zemlya_.”

She winds her arms around Bucky’s neck and up into his hair, pulling herself closer. He can feel her breath on his ear, and he tightens his grip around her waist.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s get some rest. The cats will be wanting their mama.” Helena nods, yawning, and Bucky picks her up and carries her down the hall.

This situation is not over, Bucky knows. It takes more than some bandaids and a hug to heal things like this, things that cut deep. In the morning, they will have to talk to Steve, maybe call Sam, and get help from someone who knows what they’re doing.

But for now, he just threads his metal fingers through Helena’s bandaged hand, and hopes that it is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> okay, we've got a big roundup of stuff with this one! first, [born on the fourth of july](http://steelplatedhearts.tumblr.com/post/90791138922), a little drabble about Steve's birthday that wasn't long enough to post here. second, I finally finished off the [fanmix](http://steelplatedhearts.tumblr.com/post/93293904492), which I'm actually very proud of! hope you enjoy.
> 
> also--Sarah will be back.


End file.
